Recently, I managed to find the sister of a close friend from years back on facebook.  As much as I hate social networking sites, it’s been so great to be reacquainted with friends from years back.  Friends who mostly just couldn’t keep up with my moves   Much of the loss of contact was my own fault admittedly.

She is a fantastic person, and her entire family was always just as great.  While our dreams and goals in life were/are polar opposites of one another…I’m ecstatic that it seems she has gotten everything she ever wanted.  She is married to the guy that I knew she had a crush on for years…even as a teenager it seemed.  They are very happily married with 2 and 2/3rd kids…and a dog.   And I’m not sure they will be done after 3 kids…actually, I’d be fairly surprised if they were!  She is the oldest of 9 or 10 kids…and while there was rarely a quiet moment in their house when you were there, you couldn’t meet a more genuine family.   When you’re that large of a family, you can’t hide any dysfunction either…and there just wasn’t any.

So, I had a random epiphany tonight.  Lately, I’ve been feeling very…"blah".  And I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it…which has been rather difficult to do.  But I actually figured it out, it’s…a profound disappointment.  I know the root of it…so, I’ll get over it.

Oh well, life happens.

 

NYC Skyline - July, 2001

PAPD Memorial - 5 years later

Part of the original framework, left standing in the form of a cross…still stands 5 years later

Yes, there’s a lot about the suckage of my current job in this blog lately, but that’s because that’s what’s been on my mind the most.  My current situation frustrates me to a point that I’ve never experienced before.

I really don’t do well in jobs where I am not challenged.  If I’m not being challenged, I’m basically bored.  I get a bit cranky when I’m bored.  Add to that, there is an epidemic of incompetency with the good majority of my coworkers.  I’m at a point where I just can’t take it anymore, as nothing has changed.  I’m not going to get into examples…as the examples just make my brain hurt more.  (That and I’m not sure anyone would believe the incompetence…I was there and I don’t believe it)

Who would have guessed that I would almost long for the days of having to deal with the extremely hostile coworker (as in, he broke many glasses, keyboards, monitors and god knows what else at the office as a result of his temper…and likely was paranoid schizophrenic or paranoid delusion disorder) over the current situation/arrangement?

Unfortunately, the new job prospects don’t look so hot.  I had a couple of good prospects that fell through due to lack of college education and due to apparently a resume that needs to be rewritten….*sigh*.  The former though is not 100% closed, but very likely.

The more my work situation sucks ass, the more I think about the times that I did enjoy what I was doing for a living.  I really can only think of 2 times since becoming an adult that I actually enjoyed "work".  Oddly enough, I caught up with one of my previous mentors on facebook just a few minutes ago.  I really have a love-hate relationship with facebook.  I hate it, I’m kind of embarassed that I’m on it, but have found it to be great to catch up to people with whom I’ve lost contact.

As far as my IT career goes, my time at a cable company was probably one of the highlights of my professional career for me.  I moved to NY in my early to mid 20s with only about 3 years of "IT" experience.  Within a few months, I was being mentored by people that I still to this day to endeavor to be like. One of them (very high up in management, let’s call him SR) just absolutely commanded respect without ego.  He is technical, and probably one of the smartest people with which I’ve ever had the pleasure to work.  While I had the confidence to just randomly move hundreds of miles away from everyone and everything I knew, I still lacked a lot of confidence in my professional ability.  Thankfully, there were a few people here who saw through that and found ways to change that.  Within just a few very short months of joining that group, SR fought to get me a promotion and 22% pay increase.  He also put me on an extremely high level project that dealt with many other groups within our organization.  Originally it was under the pretense of "just go the meetings, don’t commit to anything, and come back and tell me what went on…"  At one point, his absence was questioned, which led to one of the most awesome yet intimidating moments in my life: him attending the next meeting and letting all know that I was his delegate, his authority, and to consider anything I said as him saying it.  That’s…a lot of pressure.  During this time, I also started working with one of his direct reports (GJ)…someone who was much closer to me in age.  I look back now, and I can see many times when GJ was looking out for me professionally and personally.  Oh man, I was so young and naive

I do long for that time back, or to find that type of environment yet again.  It wasn’t just the above, it was the friendship, the trust, and the challenges that that environment afforded.  We were dealing with new/cutting edge technology…one of the few things in "IT" that actually challenges me, and I can almost enjoy.  Also, I was dealing with some amazingly competent and intelligent people.  I think right now, I miss that the most.

Unfortunately, the above is way too short to truly quantify the impact they had on my professionally.  But I did actually let GJ know that as I talked to him on facebook tonight.  It’s weird to catch up with him now as I long for that back.  It’s clear I won’t have that at my current employer.

Apparently, I care about my birthday a bit more than I thought….because this last one sucked _completely_.  A horrible week at work, that is continuing on this week…and I did nothing for my birthday.  Most of the people I hang out with already had plans.  There were also other circumstances that led to the day sucking even moreso.

The work situation? Isn’t showing any glimpse of changing any time soon..

You’d think if you said the following to your boss, he’d be concerned and talk to you about it:

Me: Why are they asking you about this? Are they afraid to ask me about this?
Him: Yep, they are afraid you’ll yell at them
Me: Trust me, I won’t yell.  I’m beyond yelling at this point.  I’m resigned to my place in this group.
(Note: It’s not yelling, but apparently, they have virgin ears and immediately assume the use of the word "fuck" in any incarnation even once indicates yelling.  They’ve apparently never been to Boston or NYC.)

It doesn’t help, that I keep seeing the "aftermath" footage of hurricane gustav, and the prep for Hanna…and think "God, I’d give ANYTHING to be there, dealing with that."  Yes, I’m disappointed I didn’t get called up to go south to help out…and NO it doesn’t give me "joy" to see the devastation that these people have experienced.  It’s just, shit happens, period.  I just wanna be there to deal with the shit when it happens.